Monday 5 August 2013

First Look: Beneath the Door - CHAPTER EXTRACT.



“I’m dreaming aren’t I?”

The blonde girl momentarily looked up from the freshly made daisy chain between her slender white fingers.
“What makes you think that?” She smiled sweetly, lips as rosy as her cheeks.

“The sheer fact I’m dreaming about someone I hardly know. Someone I met in the storeroom
of a mental institution. What does that say about me?” I could have smacked myself.

Rebecca’s ice cold eyes danced with amusement. She continued her daisy chain, humming under her breath as her fingers expertly tied each small flower to another.
“Don’t blame me. This is your dream.”

“Do me a favour and get out then.” I spat and moodily began to tear handfuls of lush green grass from the field we were sat in. A cool breeze swept over the cliff tops from the cerulean sea somewhere down below and carried the sound of seagulls and crickets singing, whilst the sun beat down comfortably from ahead.
To the left, was the big white door that I had long since given up trying to open. Rebecca finished her flowery new accessory and hung it proudly around her pale neck, surrounded by waves of her luxurious blonde curls.
I scowled at my strands of flat auburn hair and bitter-down nails.

“You need to relax.” Rebecca sighed. Even her sighs sounded musical.

“Sure, no problem. Attempted murder victim, psychologically damaged and socially handicapped. But I’ll stand over there and recite ‘knock-knock’ jokes, shall I?”

Rebecca rolled her eyes. “Mature. No - I mean you need to stop thinking and start living."

“I haven’t killed anyone yet. I think that’s a job well done if you ask me.” Who was she to start trying to be my personal life coach? I already had one annoyingly-enthusiastic blonde in my life. I didn’t want to start collecting them.

“Don’t you see? You’re so wrapped up in the injustice of what has happened, that you aren’t even bothering to live!”

“I am living!” I snarled. “Don’t dare try and tell me how I feel.” I was thoroughly tired and wound up. Rebecca barely battered an eyelid at my extremely crap mood and laid back on her hands, stretching and wiggling her naked toes in the long grass.

“I was just making an observation.” She sang quietly.
“Well, don’t. Keep it to yourself. Get out of my dream.” I rolled over onto my other side and viciously tore more grass from the field, balling it together in my hands. Silence gratefully filled the space and I stupidly thought for a second, that she actually listened to me.

Golden hair invaded my face, my eyes. She was stood above me, ice blue eyes gleaming under the thick curtain of her hair. She pierced me with those eyes and stripped me bare to my very core. I was both utterly bewildered and terrified at once.

“If you want things to change.. You change.” She whispered. “This concerns more than just yourself now.” Rebecca grabbed my arms with cold prying vice-like fingers and prodded me towards the door. For a fleeting moment, I thought she was going to kill me.

Her blue eyes softened, she smiled ruefully. “I’m not your enemy.”

“You aren’t a friend, either.”

Pink lips curled upwards. “I’m not a friend.”

Comments, opinions, feedback? Leave them in the comments below and thank you for reading!
- Holly


3 comments:

  1. It's more-ish. Well done :) Have a think about adverbs & adjectives, though, it's easy for us writers to overdo them a bit, so see which ones you can take out to improve the overall flow of the writing. The characters are established well.

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  2. It certainly interested me to know more, but the language is a bit over the top. I also found it difficult to decide whether the speaker is male or female. Some copy-editing:
    'beat down' doesn't fit with 'comfortably'
    'I scowled at my strands of flat auburn hair' – Is the hair long enough to see? Is this a girl or a man?
    'bitter-down nails' - bitten-down
    'Rebecca barely battered an eyelid' – batted
    'laid back on her hands' – 'leaned back' or did she lay down on them?
    'Rebecca grabbed my arms with cold prying vice-like fingers' – prying? - means searching inquisitively
    Best wishes for your work.
    Ann

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  3. all of the above grammatical errors, but its was pretty good :) I like it. I'm not sure what to think of Rebecca yet, she seems a little creepy

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